B-HED Holiday Observations

Happy Holidays ladies and gents.  Hope Santa forgave you for all of your sins this year... oh wait... wrong mythical figure.  My bad.  Here are some funny holiday observations from the plastic Godfather's obtuse point of view:
 
- The vulgarity and cruelty of the popular kids Christmas specials is mind-blowing.  The Little drummer Boy’s father got brutally killed in a break and enter, scaring the boy for life and causing him to chose a life of homelessness and solitary.  I’ve seen that story play out in real life… and believe you me, there is no happy ending.  

The Who clan from the Grinch Who Stole Christmas all look like they had their faces pressed up against the car window too long.  Ahh, the fond memories of yelling at the screen “if you don’t stop making that face, it will stay that way!  Damn.  Too late."

- Facebook/Twitter holiday greetings have replaced greeting cards.  Actually, this one I’m happy about, as I can simply delete the greeting faster than I can chuck the card. And now there’s less trash. It’s win-win.
 
- Holiday shoppers can be separated into two distinct groups: The Angels and the Heathens.  The Angels open the door for you, help you carry your bags to the car and let you take the last toy on the shelf.  The Heathens push you out of the way and enter the store first, steal your bags on the way to the car and challenge you in a battle to the death for that last toy.  After all is said and done, the Heathens come out on top.
 
- Everyone takes time off during the holidays.  Suckers.  The rest of us enjoy the reduced traffic, the quiet workplaces and the half work-days filled with Facebook Scrabble.
 
- Overall, the holidays are filled with joy.  Sure, I may get mine from mocking the rest of you, but to each his/her own.  So go get yours and enjoy what is left of 2010.
 
Peace.
 
Don B-HED

You know you're a stalker when...

Over the past few weeks, we have seen a surge in stalker-related activities in and around the celebrity universe that is David Caruso. Shocked? Well, it seems as though being a stalker may be a little more… common amongst celebrity fans. Especially those die-hard, self proclaimed “biggest fans”. As Kathy Bates so adequately put it in Misery: “I’m your biggest fan”.

Sometimes, being a fan takes over our lives. Some of us even lose ourselves; often blurring the clear line between fantasy and reality. Need help? No worries, B-HED is here to help. So come children, nestle to B-HED’s teet as he sheds some light on whether or not you may be a stalker.

13 Reasons Why You May Be A Stalker:

1. If you make it a habit of befriending people based on how you can manipulate them/their posts/comments to make everyone other than you look ‘oddly aggressive’… You may be a stalker.

2. If it thrills you that your celebrity crush has actually signed the restraining order against you, and consider it as a free autograph… You may be a stalker.

3. If you convince your husband/wife to be your stalker-buddy so that he/she can come and hold the camera while you hide in the bushes in front of your celebrity crush’s home…. You may be a stalker.

4. If you realize the roast you need to prepare for dinner is in the freezer of your celebrity crush’s home. Logically, you need to retrieve it, right? Yeah…. You may be a stalker.

5. If your stalker-like actions creep out nearly all your online friends and they abandon you in DROVES, yet you are comforted by the belief that they are just jealous… you may be a stalker.

6. If you 'accidentally' purchase aerial footage of your celebrity crush’s home, and JUST HAPPEN to have a blue print of the attic… you may be a stalker.

7. If you are convinced your actions are innocent, despite your pleasure in creating fear and anxiety in your victim, I mean celebrity crush… you may be a stalker.

8. If you take tons of pictures upon meeting your celebrity crush, only to withhold them from other fans… well, you're just mean.

9. If you stop being intimate with your spouse because you feel like you’re cheating on your celebrity crush… you may be a stalker.

10. If you have done any or all of the following:
• browse websites for months to find your celebrity crush’s home address
• travel around the world to go to their house (twice)
• wait for hours to confront them to get a picture and are surprised when they don’t invite you inside for dinner and drinks
    …. you may be a stalker

11. If you are a contributing author in National Stalkers Weekly magazine… You may be a stalker

12. If you spend thousands of dollars to fly across the world, TWICE, to meet your celebrity crush, only to be shocked they are not interested in running away with you… You may be a stalker.

13. If your celebrity crush is so disgusted and unimpressed by your actions that he/she stops networking with ALL fans…. DUDE! YOU ARE A STALKER. 

Thank you and good night! 

Top 10 Reasons B-HED's life is better than yours

10)    His hair may be as stiff as Jersey Shores’ Pauly D, but B-HED is far less annoying.  Plus, he is one of the few Americans left that hasn’t slept with Snookie.

9)    He single-handedly disarmed a dozen armed gunmen. Nah, he didn’t… but you’d believe it if he did, wouldn’t you?

8)    His travels are renowned and people are interested in seeing the world from his perspective. The rest of us travel the world and people are interested in seeing the inside of our wallet.

7)    The reception on the iPhone 4 doesn’t degrade when he uses it. It knows better.

6)    He can set up shop in the women’s bathroom and no one finds it odd.

5)    His life and exploits are so interesting that he has people writing about other people, writing about him, based on another person.  Sick.

4)    He can be found on the set of CSI Miami. And for the low low price of $6,500, so can you!

3)    His tweets are funnier, and more original than half the stuff that happens in most people’s entire year.

2)    He has fans from 75 countries.  Most of us don’t even have fans from our own country… unless our mothers count.

1)    His job is to look like David Caruso. ‘nough said. That is one lucky bastard.

The Low Down on iPhone 4

Here we are again, on the verge of a new Apple release... iPhone 4 is available for pre-order!  AT&T is reporting an estimated 600K iPhones ordered on the first day… a record obviously, its Apple releasing something that starts with the letter “i”. But beyond being a record, its close to 10 times higher than anticipated.  What makes this version such a super-fantastic-must-have-device?

 

Here are some cool new features of the iPhone 4, and how it’ll change your life:

Face Time
This is basically a webcam in each phone that allows you to video chat with people in your contact list – just other iPhones to start - but whatever.  OR (and I know this is a crazy from the future type idea), do something completely unheard of since 2006 and actually GO VISIT the person.  Did I just blow your mind?  I’ll give you a minute while you get up off the floor. However, this feature will change the whole ‘lying to your parents/spouse on the phone’ scenario: What if the Missus insists you turn on video when you tell her you’re ‘working late again?’ Yeah. Lying’s gonna have to get all Level 80 now.
 

Multitasking
Finally, men can ‘try’ to be on the same playing field as women and multitask.  iPhone 4 allows the user to activate multiple apps at the same time - without sacrificing battery life or performance. That’s referring to the device’s performance of course… not USER performance. In the real world, multitasking actually means “simultaneously doing several things poorly” including DRIVING.

HD video recording
Not only does this phone replace your old phone, camera, storage media etc., it now gives your video recorder a fresh challenge.  I’ve heard that life is better in HD.  Ask one of the guys filming his special movies if he cares whether it’s in HD or HQ. My guess is that he doesn’t, but his significant other might - flaws are ‘clearer’ in HD.

Sticker shock anyone? You can pick up an iPhone 4 for the low low price of only a gazillion dollars (well, it feels that way).  Without a plan, the iPhone retails at $599 for the 16GB and $699 for the 32GB.  Does it come with butler service? Or free personal massager app? Or how about just dipping sauce for goodness sake? 
 

I may be old fashioned… or stubborn. Call me what you will,  But I am - and always will be - a RIM fan. Sure, if I were 16 I would have a different opinion, but that doesn’t make it the better choice. Give me a Blackberry Bold for reliability, intuitiveness and practicality any day of the week.

Plus, touch screens make babies cry.

Dina OUT.

Top 9 reasons B-HED Loves World Cup Soccer

Welcome to World Cup 19 ladies & gentlemen... who is your pick to take home the phallic, yet coveted trophy?  B-HED not only follows the series, he is emotionally invested in the outcome.
 
Top 9 reasons why B-HED Loves world Cup Soccer (there are 9, as that’s a typically lucky number for players):
 
9.  Unification.  Global scale sports unite people nationally... and gives them the freedom to be angry with people from other countries, for no reason at all.  Precious.
 
8.  Profitability.  It's only once every four years that we can see the sales of mini-car-window-flag stocks take off.  Buy low kids, sell high.
 
7.  Slackers rejoice.  World Cup games in North America air between 7:30am EST and 2:30 EST when most of us slaves to the 9-5 are working.  All of a sudden, no one cares if we watch t.v. All day long.  At work.

6.  Emotional freedom.  Men can finally let loose and cry.  Sure, that's normal.  Your dog dies, your house burns down and your wife leaves you and you stand strong.  But when Ronaldo scored that goal, you weep like a little girl!
 
5.  Acrobatic feats.   It's rare to see such macho men gloriously leap through the air, in the event that another player comes within 1 ft of them.  Where's that yellow card?
 
4.  Open displays of affection.  Most men feel uncomfortable groping other men (not that there’s anything wrong with that).  World Cup soccer is one of the only forums where head holding, hugging and face caressing are not only permitted, they are encouraged.  Play on boys.
 

3. Lessons in sharing.  Most players exchange shirts after the game.  Can you just see it being played out?  "Wow, that was a full 90 min game.  That other player did really well & worked up quite a sweat.  Maybe I should ask to take his shirt home...No, it's ok.  No need to wash it.  I'll take it right off your back."
 
2.  Facebook updates.  What did people talk about before the tournament?  World cup brings people together!  It helps them argue with each other in groups, as opposed to on an individual basis.
 
1. Cheaters & pumpkin eaters.  It's quite refreshing to see professional athletes win at all costs. I thought that was just me.
 
PEACE

Dina Out
(Forza Azzurri)

Blue Jays Vs Spankees... I mean Yankees

Up here in the wilds of Toronto, we love our summertime baseball, and what better way to enjoy a Blue Jay game than against the visiting New York Yankees? Staying true to form, Bobble Head DC was a giant HIT – that’s right, I just went there – on Friday night when the ridiculously overpaid Bronxies were in town. Prior to the game, we ventured into St Louis' Bar & Grill for a pre-game warm up.  We laughed, we ate, aaaand we realized we missed 4 innings.  Oops.  B-HED made more friends during that time than most of us make in high school. Ladies – he’s TAKEN, back that reowr right UP! 

Strategically seated behind the bullpen, B-HED reveled in his plan to become the main distraction in the Jays blow out over the Richy McRich Yanks.  Could you concentrate with that white, pasty, eerily-crazily hot face staring at you?

Unfortunately, they were immune to his death stare and our attempt to distract the players failed miserably.  


Somehow they have achieved ninja-like abilities to block out annoying disturbances.  How very professional. Didn't help the bats though, did it boys? 

The Jays stomped the Yanks 6-1, and took the weekend series 2 to 1. WOOOOOT!!! Sadly, the hooting and hollering only succeeding in distracting the fans seated within a 15 row range of us.

Again, sorry to anyone seated in section 138… But CONGRATS to the kid who got that Jose Bautista homer ball in the fourth inning!  

Dina Out

Spotlight on Billy Florio

In dealing with David Caruso's entourage, we have been fortunate enough to have had some interaction with his long time friend Bill Florio.  Let's put the spotlight on Billy Flowers... 

Five things we love about Bill Florio:

5.  Ambiguity.  We don't (or didn't) know what he looked like... and still love him anyway.  Quite a stretch for some of us... more superficial people. Ahem.

4.  Sunny disposition.  Always happy, all the time.  I would be too if I were talking to me. Just saying....

3.  Consistency.  He doesn't play favourites. One can only assume that he thinks we are all slightly off.

2.  Compassion.  He treats our unusual and somewhat alarming obsessions of our favourite ginger star as 'understandable'.  

1.  Fantastic sense of humour.  He once remarked that he sometimes likes to tease his crock pot by letting it watch as he cooked the same food at a faster pace on his stove... PRICELESS.

Oddly enough, the above features only lead us to one conclusion:  either Bill is genuinely kind and the SECOND funniest person on Facebook (ahem)... OR he's a chick. 

You decide.

Dina out.

xx

Happy Birthday Frank!

Yesterday marked a very special day in Bobbleheadom... Mr D2B himself (Down to Business) celebrated a birthday. Think of the most straight forward, energetic, strategic mind you can imagine... now you know Frank.  

You're welcome. 

Join me in wishing him well via this blog. Please respect his privacy and note that he limits his social networking to people with whom he has met or knows professionally.

Happy Birthday Franky Nines!

B-HED Rides St Maarten & St Thomas

As our hero continued his voyage through the Eastern Caribbean, there were many interesting and unusual sites...  

In St Maarten, B-HED snuck onto a nude beach on the French side of the island. Much to his disappointment, he realized that Hollywood has once again polluted our minds with distorted visions of reality.  In a word?  Brrrrrrr.   Isn't it ironic that some nudists didn't want their picture taken?  They all mumbled something about not wanting to have pictures of their nude body put on the internet.  I didn't really understand their point of 'selective nudism', though I couldn't really pay attention anyway... not with everyone's bits and pieces in our faces. 

Second, the island is poverty stricken and the last few storms that have passed through have left some considerable damage to all standing structures.  However, we couldn't help but notice the glory that is the island's nudy bar.  Well kept, clean & well guarded.  Not that we know from personal experience... but if you find yourself in that neck of woods, tell William that B-HED wants his shoes back.

In St Thomas, we decided to be adventurous and tour the island on our own.  We asked a local taxi to take us to the 'nicest beach in St Thomas'.  I think somehow that translated to "Please take us to the smallest beach on the island and ensure that there are no washrooms or facilities within 2km". Classic.  We were driven to a remote beach on the Northwestern part of the island.  As per usual, B-HED navigated the route.  He was unaffected by the fact that traffic runs on the opposite side of the road here... or at least that's what we gathered from the fantastic maneuvering antics of our legally blind taxi driver.  It's amazing what you can do with only 30% of your vision! 

The service on the beach was surprisingly good: B-HED's natural ginger aura was like catnip to the waiters.  Sure, they pretended to "not know who he was", and to have never "seen CSI Miami" or to even "own a tv"... But we deflected well.  That unmistakable awkwardness was precious.          

Let's play a game.  I'll order two drinks on the beach and you punch me in the stomach, reach way down into my purse and take my money.  Oh wait, that's not a game... that's what it felt like to order two small drinks and pay close to $40.  Ouch.  That one still hurts.

 

B-HED's Caribbean Adventures... Just the Beginning.

Brass Monkey.  That funky monkey.  I'm not sure why, but the chorus of Brass Monkey (Beastie Boys, circa 1986) seems to be the theme music that rattles around in your head as you tour the world with B-HED confidently perched in your hand...  Forget Johnny Cash.  I don't walk the line.  I walk the HED. B-HED.

B-HED was blessed with the opportunity to accompany some fun loving and outgoing people aboard the Emerald Princess Cruise.   The ship sailed the Eastern Caribbean, hitting some beautiful beaches and unique ports along the way.  It is rumoured that the woman of the islands became especially fertile during this time... The Caribbean 'heat' was unmistakable.

B-HED was pleased with the overall condition of the ship.  He was especially impressed that the captain 'recognized' the presence of his celebrity:  in order to ensure privacy -  and for obvious security reasons - the captain reserved an entire sun deck for B-HED and his guests.

The ship boasts a 300 square foot, LED screen on one of the top decks, overlooking one of the main pools.  

Can you imagine our dismay when CSI Miami wasn't featured?  The tourists missed out on a 300 foot Horatio!   Is anyone else seriously bothered by this? 

Although we managed to keep the fans at a safe distance, B-HED mingled with some locals who "have never seen such rich, red hair and such porcelain white skin before".  He also posed for exactly 546 pictures with staff (plus or minus 545).  

He's kind hearted like that.

Coming up next:  The beaches.

Brass Monkey.  That funky monkey.  Can you hear it?

B-HED on vacation?

As a prescribed follow up to his Australian rehab stint, B-HED took a relaxing and well-deserved jaunt through the Eastern Caribbean.  Friends were made, beaches explored and young ladies' hearts broken. Heart ache is to be expected when dealing with someone of B-HED's 'celebrity'.  It's unavoidable really... that's just how he rolls. 

Due to some unforeseen circumstances and an inadvertent 'international incident', most of B-HED's photos were confiscated at the border.  It's sad...  witness ONE TINY felony and all of a sudden everyone wants to be your friend!

The details of B-HED's adventures will be made available over the next few days.  Come along for the ride and enjoy his trip as much as he did!  But takes some wise advice: if someone named Paolo asks you to 'hide something', be a 'look out' or just 'carry this package through customs', just say no. 

Trust me on that one.

Publish Post

DM

Official David Caruso Facebook Page!

Hello children,

B-HED has some sweet sweet poetry to help you relax before bed.  Yes, B-HED considers your sleep.  Without it, some of B-HED's witty jokes and edgy sense of humour will surely be wasted.  Here we go:

Now I lay me down to sleep

David Caruso's official page I will seek

Up above all the fake websites

Is DC's page, the man, the might.

There are people who try

There are people who fail

There are people who suck

The fakes, we will unveil

Fly, drive, swim, walk

Do whatever it takes

Get to the page & join

And put an end to the fakes

Now rest your heads

Feel safe and sound

Come give b-hed a hug

and sit on the mound

There you go!  Now you know (uh oh, can't turn the rhyming off...)

Here is the link to the one and only official DC FACEBOOK FAN PAGE  Come join us for some fun.  You never know... DC might just interact with YOU. 

B-HED OUT.

B-HED rehabs in Australia

It's been a long time, my plastic-loving friends... too long. Much to our disappointment, B-HED was unreachable during his vacation over the past week and a half- touring Victoria, Australia. But fret not children, he is BACK... and better than ever. With a renewed sense of adventure, poise & responsibility, B-HED has refreshed his edgy sense of humor and is ready to gain further momentum as the epic badass that you so greatly admire.

Utilizing his ninja-like abilities to move around virtually unnoticed, B-HED managed to get onto the beach during classified Coast Guard exercises. He was unimpressed with the tactical procedures until he realized they were trying to emulate a rescue, not an attack. That made more sense.

B-HED's adventures throughout Victoria's Southwest coast line were unusually subdued - and mostly confidential. Any paparazzi who dared get too close was soon relieved of their camera equipment.

He thought very carefully about his affiliations, his role in our lives and his overwhelming need to be in control at all times. He followed the teachings of his Master, Guru Bfullahit and meditated, completely immersing himself in thought. Then he remembered he didn't care. His adventures will continue.

All is well with the world again.

Everything is about B-HED and B-HED is about everything. The sooner you learn it, the sooner you can accept your place in life - - as his dedicated blog monkeys!

In less than 3 weeks, B-HED will take you along his adventures in the Caribbean. He will tweet & post blogs from Bahamas, St Maarten, St Thomas and Turks & Caicos. Now you have something to look forward to.

You're welcome.

Father Time Hates Chuck Norris

You may remember the post (Jan 24th 2010 ) comparing B-HED to Chuck Norris. Well yesterday was Chuck’s 70th birthday, so it’s only fitting to pay tribute to the former champ of toughness… after all, he is slightly cool with his auburn glow and popular “Peace Through Violence” methodologies. But for the most part, we remember the 80s Chuck. 2010 Chuck lacks a certain strength… The vivacity that someone born in 1940 sadly parts with post-retirement: the ability to take on 16 guys, only armed with loud army fatigue and super tight jeans (so tight that it makes us want to send a search and rescue mission for his nads). Maybe we should give him some slack, as most of those pics are taken in the 80s or early 90s... that’s 20 to 30 years ago kids.

Here is a new new video video posted on MTV. It features Chuck describing why his cartoon series got trashed by CBS. THIS is what Chuck looks like today. Is it just me, or did his teeth grow? Maybe he got ‘dental fixtures’ because his teeth weren’t up to the job of chewing all that steel he eats… or they may have simply rotted away like my granny. That’s a very fair comparison. Chuck Norris vs. My Granny. I’d pay to see that battle.

Other popular people that were born in 1940: Bill Kurtis (Cold Case actor) Don Imus (Radio guy) Frank Zappa (Musician) Herbie Hancock (Musician) Jack Nicklaus (Golf pro) Burt Young (uncle Pauly from the Rocky movies) Alex Trebek (Jeopardy) Ed Lauter (Actor – most memorably from the show Coach) (We purposely left out Sir Al Pacino. For obvious reasons). For the record, anyone born on Jan 7th 1956, with the initials DC has complete immunity from the aging process. Watch Monday night (@10pm on CBS) and see for yourself.

Happy Birthday you aging-ginger-karate-moustached legend.... Happy Birthday.

Horatio is... Batman

This was big. It had been building for weeks... the anticipation had become overwhelming. And now, it was time to see him again. My heart began to beat faster, faster, faster. I could feel my temperature rising, every breath brought me closer to him. I was so consumed by the look... that look. I felt an instant pang of impatience - wanting it sooner, remembering how long it has been. Those knowing eyes, that arrogant glance…. He knew what I wanted.

And he gave it to me.

It was 10pm when Horatio entered my home Monday night, and I was ready. I think somewhere in between H’s brooding looks, side glances and smoldering manliness, a show happened. ‘Apparently’, there was a murder, a trip to LA, some crooked cops and some vindicated CSIs. Yada yada yada, Batman H saved the day. All kidding aside, one of my favorite things about CSI Miami is David Caruso’s interpretation of Horatio as a mythical, uber-human super-cop. Horatio is Batman. They both personify justice and humanity. In fact, they share more than a few character traits. For example:  

• They both have dark sides borne out of a painful past.
• Both are driven by their experiences to do good, to BE the good in other people's lives.
• They both have a "distinct" superhero uniform - with the difference being that H's uniform he can wear in public and STILL be disguised.
• Have surprisingly refined deductive abilities.
 
• Are always there when you need them. 

• Mysteriously appear 2 ft away from the villain, when least expected

• Have ridiculously accurate aim
• Have terrible luck with the ladies.
• Have really cool cars.

• Share space in the dictionary under the word "Awesome".

One of my favourite Batman-esque traits is Horatio’s hypnotic voice. With the delivery of one question (asked in his usual baritone, slow patterned dialogue), people completely open themselves up and willingly reveal their deepest demons. In most cases, they do so despite RIDICULOUS repercussions (jail time or death sentence). Why? Because he COMMANDED them to. THAT, my friends, is power.

Gingers around the world rejoice! You have yourselves an honest to goodness super-hero! Good job Horatio, good job.

Dina out

The Return of the Prodigal Son

Well, well well.

It looks like the ladies will have one more reason to lean a little closer to the washing machine come September… Adam Rodriguez will reprise his long-standing role as Eric Delko on CSI Miami.  If you count yourself as one of the 14 million viewers each week, you can appreciate the impact of such an announcement.  After all, it took 2 new guys to fill the Sizzling Latino’s shoes, right?

How will this work?  Will Eddie Cibrian stay on as the less-than average Jessie Cardoza?  Will we be looking at a Jay Leno/Conan O’Brien situation?  Adam’s new gig got cancelled, so he gets first dibs at his old job? Not that I’m complaining! Personally, I would like to see Adam walk onto the set and slap Eddie in the back of the head with a dead trout.  “Hey Eddie: BAM (dead trout action), that’s for making all ridiculously good-looking actors look bad!  There’s more to us than what’s under our shirts… WHY do you suck so bad?”

Back to the real situation at hand.  What will Eric’s return do to the CSI Miami chemistry? The show already has the Master of Machismo, the Maker of Mojo, the gravitational epicenter of gravitas…. … yes, obviously I am referring to the intoxicating manliness that is David Caruso. Before Eric left, he was the rising student, the boy wonder – we could all see his future greatness. How does a young lion return to its pride after so long… There is barely enough room for another macho man on the show, and certainly not two?

What are the script team’s options?  I’ve got a few suggestions:

A)    Eddie Cibrian’s ‘Jessie’ gets sent to work the beat at the slightly less famous GPD – you know, up in Gnome, Alaska.  The transfer is necessitated by the recent – super unfortunate – dead trout related injury. I see a very touching, slow motion scene unfold:  very dramatic music playing as wet trout collides, and the falling down action unfolds. Super impactful scene, really. And of course we’re all saddened to learn that due to the Alaskan climate, his shirt must be worn AT ALL TIMES.

B)    Adam Rodriguez returns to MDPD and assumes his badass role as Eric Delko.  Is Jessie still around?  No one will notice.

C)    Eddie Cibrian returns to his roots and replaces another child on The Young and The Restless. You know how that works… a 9 year old kid goes to summer camp and comes home as a 40 year old – wiser and more drug addled – and ready to commence his adult Soap opera career as a swarthy philandering, action hero.

At the end of the day, do we really care what happens to ‘dimples’?  Stay, go… whatever.  If you’re anything like me, you come for the shades.  I assume most of us do.  As long as Horatio keeps squinting his way into our hearts, and growling his way into our fantasies, most of us will be more than happy to marry him... I mean keep watching.  

Dina Out.

Real Men Don't have Uteruses

Real men don't have uteruses… ( er, uteri?)… I mean get emotional.

B-HED is the perfect example of such manliness. He is the personification of manly words such as unemotional and stoic. He has extra chromosomes in his genetic makeup; 2 more than the typical man. He is XXXY. Yup, pretty damn manly. 

Around this time of year, some men get all preoccupied with appearing ‘romantic’, or passionate. B-HED usually scoffs at all embarrassing displays of pretend-estrogen like this, but he absolutely spits on it on this “special” day - this famously fabricated holiday, this sales opportunity plopped in the dark dark marketing hole between Christmas and Easter. How could a woman be impressed by that? B-HED can’t help but hate when “feelings” are manipulated. Do we even know why/when/how Feb 14th become some Valentine guy’s 'special' day?

Sure, we could do actual ‘research’, and give you ‘factual’ information, but its a Sunday, and no work is to be done on this day or something. Luckily we have the story as explained by one Mrs. Deagle, a traumatizingly horrific grade 10 history teacher, who claims that Valentine's Day has roots as far back as 270AD. Here are the Cole’s notes:

In 270AD a priest in Rome named Valentinus betrayed Emperor Claudius by conducting marriages of underage couples, some as young as 12. Emperor Claudius banned all such marriages. Not because the new couples were prepubescent, but because the married men made poor soldiers (the same as today’s “no hanky panky before a hockey game” theory… the electrolytes must be used in war, not left in your love). Brave Valentinus refused, continued to conduct the ceremonies and was jailed. He was consequently beheaded, but not before he knocked up the jailer’s young daughter (apparently, carrying on a physical relationship with the jail staff's immediate family is not that difficult). The night of his death, he slipped her a note signed “from your Valentine”. Slipping her the fetus wasn’t enough, apparently.

THIS is the reason we honour love on Feb 14th? You know what, because we all know how we all love round numbers, here are the top 10 reasons B-HED doesn’t buy into Valentine’s Day:

1. Too much attention paid onto another person. B-HED prefers his focus to be where it belongs. On B-HED.

2. Any holiday that focuses on less ass-kicking and more loving is an inappropriate and wasteful use of energy.

3. B-HED doesn’t need a reason to see red. He sees lost of red flowing out of the bad guys’ wounds after justice is served.

Reasons 4 through 10 - Refer to Reason 1.

So, the next time you wish your loved one a Happy Valentine’s Day, think of B-HED and wish him/her a “Happy Jailed Priest Who Knocked Up The Boss’s Underage Daughter Day”. More realistic, no?

B-HED Out.

BREAKING NEWS: B-HED takes the Super Bowl. Badass redefined.

WHO DAT? Uh… it’s B-HED at the Superbowl!

Let’s take a poll. Everyone who got tickets to this year’s super bowl, stand up. It wasn't easy to get those tickets. Well, for MORTALS that is. You know B-HED was there. Of course he was there! Thanks to an esteemed member of the CSI Miami staff, and all-around great guy, B-HED made it to Super Bowl XLIV. In all likelihood, he got there in a European Handbag. A murse, if you will. 

We suspect his ticket was assured in order to guarantee a Saints win. He is, after all, the first to ever be sainted while still alive - or, well, in his case, not recycled yet. 

This year’s Superbowl was held at Sun Life Stadium in Miami Gardens. Imagine the condition of the restrooms, with 76,500 partying crazies drinking beer in the hot Florida Sun? Working on that cleaning staff – now that’s heroic.

The game went all storybook, with a come from behind win by the “team of destiny”. It was almost as if the game was really just a scripted backdrop to a CSI:Miami episode… I guess we’ll never know, will we? If you were wondering where our dear David Caruso was during the half-time show – and of COURSE you were – fear not: his motivational talents were obviously needed elsewhere – to help turn the tide of the game. What, you think it’s just a coincidence that the 2nd half was OWNED by the Saints?

 Say “Thank you David” kids. I’m sure you feel better now. I mean, it had to be pretty damn serious to change the planned half-time show, which OBVIOUSLY would have had David come on and help the Who blow the house down. It was far too short notice to get B-HED up there and help out with the vocals. The Who did alright on their own. I suppose.

It’s possible that B-HED’s presence in the stands was too much for the band: the pressure to perform under such scrutiny was overwhelming. 76,500 people in the stands is one thing, but an icon of B-HED’s stature. Something else entirely. 

Maybe with some practice, they can get used to the pressure.

Top 10 Reasons why B-HED won't date Barbie

When it comes to romance, it goes without saying that B-HED has very discerning tastes - not unlike real-life DC. Many have asked who he's dating and what his 'type' is. Others have purchased TEAM B-HED shirts, to support him in the event that he does date someone, then ends up breaking their heart.

Foolish people. A relationship with B-HED is a strictly 'enter at your own risk' scenario. B-HED is like the sun: super hot and will light up your life, but will burn the hell out of you if you get too close. Many have tried. All have been unsuccessful.

Some have suggested that Barbie may be a good match for B-HED... that her celebrity may entice him to date her. But we disagree:

Top 10 Reasons B-HED won't date Barbie
10. She has fake breasts. B-HED prefers breasts like he does sugar: real and full of carbs!

9. That creepy perma-smile... It never changes - even during those 'special' cycles.

8. She doesn't eat. Ever.

7. He would have to kill Ken. B-HED doesn't share.

6. She is the only one who can out-stare him. At some point, he needs a break to see himself again.

5. She's nice to look at, but has nothing to say.

4. Her knees don't bend far enough.

3. Barbie Cher is hotter. But too freaky. Plus, there's that plastic smell.

2. Her wrists don't bend. At all.

1. In her world, a pink hummer is something TOTALLY different.

B-HED supervises the Raptors win. And is pleased.

On Jan 27th, B-HED met more of his adoring public while attending a Toronto Raptors vs the Miami Heat NBA game. Here are some highlights:

During the first half, several fans approached our 6 inch piece of heaven, requesting guidance and affection.

Ok, not really… but many wanted to touch his sweet sweet plastic manhood. And watch his bobble.

By halftime, B-HED had established his own audience, slipping onto the jumbotron (big monitor above centre court) and talking to some B-HED fans about love, life, real-life David Caruso (RLDC) and big fat Cuban cigars. Some other things happened in between, where the teams played, someone scored, yada yada yada. That all got in the way of B-HED’s attention. After all, like the RLDC, the world DOES revolve around him.

Ya Face Productions is a Toronto operation, but we thought it only fair to ask the stadium cameras to STOP focusing so much on B-HED - it was distracting the Miami players during a very important conference game. It did no good - the damage was done and the Raptors pulled out a come from behind win to leapfrog Miami in the Eastern Conference. Go figure. We'll have to talk to Raptor management about getting B-HED season tickets - we can take them all the way at this rate!
 

After the game, B-HED was invited onto the court. B-HED was moderately honoured. Apparently, it is rare for anyone/thing to gain such access. We are not surprised; the extent of his coolness knows no bounds. Later, at one of the many stadium bars, B-HED was mistaken for Conan. The unfortunate fellow now clucks like a chicken and walks with a serious limp. Poor bastard, I'll bet he didn't even see it coming.

In the end, we can all be thankful that B-HED allowed the Miami 'Heat' to keep their franchise label, regardless of how douchy a name it is. Anymore emphasis on the obvious? What's next? The LA Smog? The Jersey Polluters?

B-HED vs Chick, er, Chuck Norris

It is well known that B-HED has two very unique talents:  His ninja-like ability to move around unnoticed, and the famed hypnotic trance he puts over the ladies. Some say B-HED’s extreme level of cool ranks him amongst the uber cool ass-kickers of our time (aka, John Wayne and Clint Eastwood). Others might go as far as to compare B-HED to the joke that is Chuck Norris.  

Really?  Chuck Norris? 

No Comparison.  For every move Chuck Norris fakes, B-HED lays a real ass whooping, 100x more powerful. 

So you say that Chuck Norris is so tough? So tough that when he does push ups, he isn’t pushing himself up, he’s pushing the earth down?  Well B-HED doesn’t do push ups.  He glares at the ground and it moves on it’s own.   

So Chuck Norris has a beard?  Well, the beard is only there to mask the marks that his wife leaves when he’s late from work.  B-HED’s face doesn’t grow hair.  The hair knows better.

What’s that?  Chuck Norris is an expert in martial arts and can take out a room full of guys with a ton of punches, kicks and flying leaps?  Meh.  B-HED doesn’t fight.  His stone-cold glare is enough to stop the dumbasses in their tracks, without so much as a ‘bobble’.  

If Badass were a country, B-Hed would be king.  Or at least marry the Queen, kill the king and become the King elect.  Either way, KING.

 

"Hey Death... you got a license for that Sythe?"

On the Road - to LA and B-HED!

Part One

The road, the road – it’s not a thing, it’s not a place. Like love and passion, and energy, its one of those fantastic human dreams – indescribable, almost bleach on bad memories, almost bacon-fried onion Sunday morning, almost stewardess-tight tight skirt, indescribable! Just so long as it’s a good road of course. And our road is a good one, with a mythical Pacific destination: Los Angeles.

Well Part one is always the best part – well actually just before part one is the real best part, but part zero has no ring to it – so fuck part zero. Part one is day one or more precisely night one – at 4 in the OMFG morning, in a clean but sleepy Airport, just across the southern border in – wait for it..

..Buffalo. THAT’S how great the road is: not even the 4am version of buffalo can ruin it for a traveler.

Stay tuned travelers!