Real Men Don't have Uteruses

Real men don't have uteruses… ( er, uteri?)… I mean get emotional.

B-HED is the perfect example of such manliness. He is the personification of manly words such as unemotional and stoic. He has extra chromosomes in his genetic makeup; 2 more than the typical man. He is XXXY. Yup, pretty damn manly. 

Around this time of year, some men get all preoccupied with appearing ‘romantic’, or passionate. B-HED usually scoffs at all embarrassing displays of pretend-estrogen like this, but he absolutely spits on it on this “special” day - this famously fabricated holiday, this sales opportunity plopped in the dark dark marketing hole between Christmas and Easter. How could a woman be impressed by that? B-HED can’t help but hate when “feelings” are manipulated. Do we even know why/when/how Feb 14th become some Valentine guy’s 'special' day?

Sure, we could do actual ‘research’, and give you ‘factual’ information, but its a Sunday, and no work is to be done on this day or something. Luckily we have the story as explained by one Mrs. Deagle, a traumatizingly horrific grade 10 history teacher, who claims that Valentine's Day has roots as far back as 270AD. Here are the Cole’s notes:

In 270AD a priest in Rome named Valentinus betrayed Emperor Claudius by conducting marriages of underage couples, some as young as 12. Emperor Claudius banned all such marriages. Not because the new couples were prepubescent, but because the married men made poor soldiers (the same as today’s “no hanky panky before a hockey game” theory… the electrolytes must be used in war, not left in your love). Brave Valentinus refused, continued to conduct the ceremonies and was jailed. He was consequently beheaded, but not before he knocked up the jailer’s young daughter (apparently, carrying on a physical relationship with the jail staff's immediate family is not that difficult). The night of his death, he slipped her a note signed “from your Valentine”. Slipping her the fetus wasn’t enough, apparently.

THIS is the reason we honour love on Feb 14th? You know what, because we all know how we all love round numbers, here are the top 10 reasons B-HED doesn’t buy into Valentine’s Day:

1. Too much attention paid onto another person. B-HED prefers his focus to be where it belongs. On B-HED.

2. Any holiday that focuses on less ass-kicking and more loving is an inappropriate and wasteful use of energy.

3. B-HED doesn’t need a reason to see red. He sees lost of red flowing out of the bad guys’ wounds after justice is served.

Reasons 4 through 10 - Refer to Reason 1.

So, the next time you wish your loved one a Happy Valentine’s Day, think of B-HED and wish him/her a “Happy Jailed Priest Who Knocked Up The Boss’s Underage Daughter Day”. More realistic, no?

B-HED Out.