The Return of the Prodigal Son

Well, well well.

It looks like the ladies will have one more reason to lean a little closer to the washing machine come September… Adam Rodriguez will reprise his long-standing role as Eric Delko on CSI Miami.  If you count yourself as one of the 14 million viewers each week, you can appreciate the impact of such an announcement.  After all, it took 2 new guys to fill the Sizzling Latino’s shoes, right?

How will this work?  Will Eddie Cibrian stay on as the less-than average Jessie Cardoza?  Will we be looking at a Jay Leno/Conan O’Brien situation?  Adam’s new gig got cancelled, so he gets first dibs at his old job? Not that I’m complaining! Personally, I would like to see Adam walk onto the set and slap Eddie in the back of the head with a dead trout.  “Hey Eddie: BAM (dead trout action), that’s for making all ridiculously good-looking actors look bad!  There’s more to us than what’s under our shirts… WHY do you suck so bad?”

Back to the real situation at hand.  What will Eric’s return do to the CSI Miami chemistry? The show already has the Master of Machismo, the Maker of Mojo, the gravitational epicenter of gravitas…. … yes, obviously I am referring to the intoxicating manliness that is David Caruso. Before Eric left, he was the rising student, the boy wonder – we could all see his future greatness. How does a young lion return to its pride after so long… There is barely enough room for another macho man on the show, and certainly not two?

What are the script team’s options?  I’ve got a few suggestions:

A)    Eddie Cibrian’s ‘Jessie’ gets sent to work the beat at the slightly less famous GPD – you know, up in Gnome, Alaska.  The transfer is necessitated by the recent – super unfortunate – dead trout related injury. I see a very touching, slow motion scene unfold:  very dramatic music playing as wet trout collides, and the falling down action unfolds. Super impactful scene, really. And of course we’re all saddened to learn that due to the Alaskan climate, his shirt must be worn AT ALL TIMES.

B)    Adam Rodriguez returns to MDPD and assumes his badass role as Eric Delko.  Is Jessie still around?  No one will notice.

C)    Eddie Cibrian returns to his roots and replaces another child on The Young and The Restless. You know how that works… a 9 year old kid goes to summer camp and comes home as a 40 year old – wiser and more drug addled – and ready to commence his adult Soap opera career as a swarthy philandering, action hero.

At the end of the day, do we really care what happens to ‘dimples’?  Stay, go… whatever.  If you’re anything like me, you come for the shades.  I assume most of us do.  As long as Horatio keeps squinting his way into our hearts, and growling his way into our fantasies, most of us will be more than happy to marry him... I mean keep watching.  

Dina Out.

Real Men Don't have Uteruses

Real men don't have uteruses… ( er, uteri?)… I mean get emotional.

B-HED is the perfect example of such manliness. He is the personification of manly words such as unemotional and stoic. He has extra chromosomes in his genetic makeup; 2 more than the typical man. He is XXXY. Yup, pretty damn manly. 

Around this time of year, some men get all preoccupied with appearing ‘romantic’, or passionate. B-HED usually scoffs at all embarrassing displays of pretend-estrogen like this, but he absolutely spits on it on this “special” day - this famously fabricated holiday, this sales opportunity plopped in the dark dark marketing hole between Christmas and Easter. How could a woman be impressed by that? B-HED can’t help but hate when “feelings” are manipulated. Do we even know why/when/how Feb 14th become some Valentine guy’s 'special' day?

Sure, we could do actual ‘research’, and give you ‘factual’ information, but its a Sunday, and no work is to be done on this day or something. Luckily we have the story as explained by one Mrs. Deagle, a traumatizingly horrific grade 10 history teacher, who claims that Valentine's Day has roots as far back as 270AD. Here are the Cole’s notes:

In 270AD a priest in Rome named Valentinus betrayed Emperor Claudius by conducting marriages of underage couples, some as young as 12. Emperor Claudius banned all such marriages. Not because the new couples were prepubescent, but because the married men made poor soldiers (the same as today’s “no hanky panky before a hockey game” theory… the electrolytes must be used in war, not left in your love). Brave Valentinus refused, continued to conduct the ceremonies and was jailed. He was consequently beheaded, but not before he knocked up the jailer’s young daughter (apparently, carrying on a physical relationship with the jail staff's immediate family is not that difficult). The night of his death, he slipped her a note signed “from your Valentine”. Slipping her the fetus wasn’t enough, apparently.

THIS is the reason we honour love on Feb 14th? You know what, because we all know how we all love round numbers, here are the top 10 reasons B-HED doesn’t buy into Valentine’s Day:

1. Too much attention paid onto another person. B-HED prefers his focus to be where it belongs. On B-HED.

2. Any holiday that focuses on less ass-kicking and more loving is an inappropriate and wasteful use of energy.

3. B-HED doesn’t need a reason to see red. He sees lost of red flowing out of the bad guys’ wounds after justice is served.

Reasons 4 through 10 - Refer to Reason 1.

So, the next time you wish your loved one a Happy Valentine’s Day, think of B-HED and wish him/her a “Happy Jailed Priest Who Knocked Up The Boss’s Underage Daughter Day”. More realistic, no?

B-HED Out.

BREAKING NEWS: B-HED takes the Super Bowl. Badass redefined.

WHO DAT? Uh… it’s B-HED at the Superbowl!

Let’s take a poll. Everyone who got tickets to this year’s super bowl, stand up. It wasn't easy to get those tickets. Well, for MORTALS that is. You know B-HED was there. Of course he was there! Thanks to an esteemed member of the CSI Miami staff, and all-around great guy, B-HED made it to Super Bowl XLIV. In all likelihood, he got there in a European Handbag. A murse, if you will. 

We suspect his ticket was assured in order to guarantee a Saints win. He is, after all, the first to ever be sainted while still alive - or, well, in his case, not recycled yet. 

This year’s Superbowl was held at Sun Life Stadium in Miami Gardens. Imagine the condition of the restrooms, with 76,500 partying crazies drinking beer in the hot Florida Sun? Working on that cleaning staff – now that’s heroic.

The game went all storybook, with a come from behind win by the “team of destiny”. It was almost as if the game was really just a scripted backdrop to a CSI:Miami episode… I guess we’ll never know, will we? If you were wondering where our dear David Caruso was during the half-time show – and of COURSE you were – fear not: his motivational talents were obviously needed elsewhere – to help turn the tide of the game. What, you think it’s just a coincidence that the 2nd half was OWNED by the Saints?

 Say “Thank you David” kids. I’m sure you feel better now. I mean, it had to be pretty damn serious to change the planned half-time show, which OBVIOUSLY would have had David come on and help the Who blow the house down. It was far too short notice to get B-HED up there and help out with the vocals. The Who did alright on their own. I suppose.

It’s possible that B-HED’s presence in the stands was too much for the band: the pressure to perform under such scrutiny was overwhelming. 76,500 people in the stands is one thing, but an icon of B-HED’s stature. Something else entirely. 

Maybe with some practice, they can get used to the pressure.

Top 10 Reasons why B-HED won't date Barbie

When it comes to romance, it goes without saying that B-HED has very discerning tastes - not unlike real-life DC. Many have asked who he's dating and what his 'type' is. Others have purchased TEAM B-HED shirts, to support him in the event that he does date someone, then ends up breaking their heart.

Foolish people. A relationship with B-HED is a strictly 'enter at your own risk' scenario. B-HED is like the sun: super hot and will light up your life, but will burn the hell out of you if you get too close. Many have tried. All have been unsuccessful.

Some have suggested that Barbie may be a good match for B-HED... that her celebrity may entice him to date her. But we disagree:

Top 10 Reasons B-HED won't date Barbie
10. She has fake breasts. B-HED prefers breasts like he does sugar: real and full of carbs!

9. That creepy perma-smile... It never changes - even during those 'special' cycles.

8. She doesn't eat. Ever.

7. He would have to kill Ken. B-HED doesn't share.

6. She is the only one who can out-stare him. At some point, he needs a break to see himself again.

5. She's nice to look at, but has nothing to say.

4. Her knees don't bend far enough.

3. Barbie Cher is hotter. But too freaky. Plus, there's that plastic smell.

2. Her wrists don't bend. At all.

1. In her world, a pink hummer is something TOTALLY different.