Top 10 Reasons why B-HED won't date Barbie

When it comes to romance, it goes without saying that B-HED has very discerning tastes - not unlike real-life DC. Many have asked who he's dating and what his 'type' is. Others have purchased TEAM B-HED shirts, to support him in the event that he does date someone, then ends up breaking their heart.

Foolish people. A relationship with B-HED is a strictly 'enter at your own risk' scenario. B-HED is like the sun: super hot and will light up your life, but will burn the hell out of you if you get too close. Many have tried. All have been unsuccessful.

Some have suggested that Barbie may be a good match for B-HED... that her celebrity may entice him to date her. But we disagree:

Top 10 Reasons B-HED won't date Barbie
10. She has fake breasts. B-HED prefers breasts like he does sugar: real and full of carbs!

9. That creepy perma-smile... It never changes - even during those 'special' cycles.

8. She doesn't eat. Ever.

7. He would have to kill Ken. B-HED doesn't share.

6. She is the only one who can out-stare him. At some point, he needs a break to see himself again.

5. She's nice to look at, but has nothing to say.

4. Her knees don't bend far enough.

3. Barbie Cher is hotter. But too freaky. Plus, there's that plastic smell.

2. Her wrists don't bend. At all.

1. In her world, a pink hummer is something TOTALLY different.

B-HED vs Chick, er, Chuck Norris

It is well known that B-HED has two very unique talents:  His ninja-like ability to move around unnoticed, and the famed hypnotic trance he puts over the ladies. Some say B-HED’s extreme level of cool ranks him amongst the uber cool ass-kickers of our time (aka, John Wayne and Clint Eastwood). Others might go as far as to compare B-HED to the joke that is Chuck Norris.  

Really?  Chuck Norris? 

No Comparison.  For every move Chuck Norris fakes, B-HED lays a real ass whooping, 100x more powerful. 

So you say that Chuck Norris is so tough? So tough that when he does push ups, he isn’t pushing himself up, he’s pushing the earth down?  Well B-HED doesn’t do push ups.  He glares at the ground and it moves on it’s own.   

So Chuck Norris has a beard?  Well, the beard is only there to mask the marks that his wife leaves when he’s late from work.  B-HED’s face doesn’t grow hair.  The hair knows better.

What’s that?  Chuck Norris is an expert in martial arts and can take out a room full of guys with a ton of punches, kicks and flying leaps?  Meh.  B-HED doesn’t fight.  His stone-cold glare is enough to stop the dumbasses in their tracks, without so much as a ‘bobble’.  

If Badass were a country, B-Hed would be king.  Or at least marry the Queen, kill the king and become the King elect.  Either way, KING.

 

"Hey Death... you got a license for that Sythe?"

On the Road - to LA and B-HED!

Part One

The road, the road – it’s not a thing, it’s not a place. Like love and passion, and energy, its one of those fantastic human dreams – indescribable, almost bleach on bad memories, almost bacon-fried onion Sunday morning, almost stewardess-tight tight skirt, indescribable! Just so long as it’s a good road of course. And our road is a good one, with a mythical Pacific destination: Los Angeles.

Well Part one is always the best part – well actually just before part one is the real best part, but part zero has no ring to it – so fuck part zero. Part one is day one or more precisely night one – at 4 in the OMFG morning, in a clean but sleepy Airport, just across the southern border in – wait for it..

..Buffalo. THAT’S how great the road is: not even the 4am version of buffalo can ruin it for a traveler.

Stay tuned travelers!