B-HED Rides St Maarten & St Thomas

As our hero continued his voyage through the Eastern Caribbean, there were many interesting and unusual sites...  

In St Maarten, B-HED snuck onto a nude beach on the French side of the island. Much to his disappointment, he realized that Hollywood has once again polluted our minds with distorted visions of reality.  In a word?  Brrrrrrr.   Isn't it ironic that some nudists didn't want their picture taken?  They all mumbled something about not wanting to have pictures of their nude body put on the internet.  I didn't really understand their point of 'selective nudism', though I couldn't really pay attention anyway... not with everyone's bits and pieces in our faces. 

Second, the island is poverty stricken and the last few storms that have passed through have left some considerable damage to all standing structures.  However, we couldn't help but notice the glory that is the island's nudy bar.  Well kept, clean & well guarded.  Not that we know from personal experience... but if you find yourself in that neck of woods, tell William that B-HED wants his shoes back.

In St Thomas, we decided to be adventurous and tour the island on our own.  We asked a local taxi to take us to the 'nicest beach in St Thomas'.  I think somehow that translated to "Please take us to the smallest beach on the island and ensure that there are no washrooms or facilities within 2km". Classic.  We were driven to a remote beach on the Northwestern part of the island.  As per usual, B-HED navigated the route.  He was unaffected by the fact that traffic runs on the opposite side of the road here... or at least that's what we gathered from the fantastic maneuvering antics of our legally blind taxi driver.  It's amazing what you can do with only 30% of your vision! 

The service on the beach was surprisingly good: B-HED's natural ginger aura was like catnip to the waiters.  Sure, they pretended to "not know who he was", and to have never "seen CSI Miami" or to even "own a tv"... But we deflected well.  That unmistakable awkwardness was precious.          

Let's play a game.  I'll order two drinks on the beach and you punch me in the stomach, reach way down into my purse and take my money.  Oh wait, that's not a game... that's what it felt like to order two small drinks and pay close to $40.  Ouch.  That one still hurts.

 

B-HED's Caribbean Adventures... Just the Beginning.

Brass Monkey.  That funky monkey.  I'm not sure why, but the chorus of Brass Monkey (Beastie Boys, circa 1986) seems to be the theme music that rattles around in your head as you tour the world with B-HED confidently perched in your hand...  Forget Johnny Cash.  I don't walk the line.  I walk the HED. B-HED.

B-HED was blessed with the opportunity to accompany some fun loving and outgoing people aboard the Emerald Princess Cruise.   The ship sailed the Eastern Caribbean, hitting some beautiful beaches and unique ports along the way.  It is rumoured that the woman of the islands became especially fertile during this time... The Caribbean 'heat' was unmistakable.

B-HED was pleased with the overall condition of the ship.  He was especially impressed that the captain 'recognized' the presence of his celebrity:  in order to ensure privacy -  and for obvious security reasons - the captain reserved an entire sun deck for B-HED and his guests.

The ship boasts a 300 square foot, LED screen on one of the top decks, overlooking one of the main pools.  

Can you imagine our dismay when CSI Miami wasn't featured?  The tourists missed out on a 300 foot Horatio!   Is anyone else seriously bothered by this? 

Although we managed to keep the fans at a safe distance, B-HED mingled with some locals who "have never seen such rich, red hair and such porcelain white skin before".  He also posed for exactly 546 pictures with staff (plus or minus 545).  

He's kind hearted like that.

Coming up next:  The beaches.

Brass Monkey.  That funky monkey.  Can you hear it?

B-HED on vacation?

As a prescribed follow up to his Australian rehab stint, B-HED took a relaxing and well-deserved jaunt through the Eastern Caribbean.  Friends were made, beaches explored and young ladies' hearts broken. Heart ache is to be expected when dealing with someone of B-HED's 'celebrity'.  It's unavoidable really... that's just how he rolls. 

Due to some unforeseen circumstances and an inadvertent 'international incident', most of B-HED's photos were confiscated at the border.  It's sad...  witness ONE TINY felony and all of a sudden everyone wants to be your friend!

The details of B-HED's adventures will be made available over the next few days.  Come along for the ride and enjoy his trip as much as he did!  But takes some wise advice: if someone named Paolo asks you to 'hide something', be a 'look out' or just 'carry this package through customs', just say no. 

Trust me on that one.

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