B-HED Holiday Observations

Happy Holidays ladies and gents.  Hope Santa forgave you for all of your sins this year... oh wait... wrong mythical figure.  My bad.  Here are some funny holiday observations from the plastic Godfather's obtuse point of view:
 
- The vulgarity and cruelty of the popular kids Christmas specials is mind-blowing.  The Little drummer Boy’s father got brutally killed in a break and enter, scaring the boy for life and causing him to chose a life of homelessness and solitary.  I’ve seen that story play out in real life… and believe you me, there is no happy ending.  

The Who clan from the Grinch Who Stole Christmas all look like they had their faces pressed up against the car window too long.  Ahh, the fond memories of yelling at the screen “if you don’t stop making that face, it will stay that way!  Damn.  Too late."

- Facebook/Twitter holiday greetings have replaced greeting cards.  Actually, this one I’m happy about, as I can simply delete the greeting faster than I can chuck the card. And now there’s less trash. It’s win-win.
 
- Holiday shoppers can be separated into two distinct groups: The Angels and the Heathens.  The Angels open the door for you, help you carry your bags to the car and let you take the last toy on the shelf.  The Heathens push you out of the way and enter the store first, steal your bags on the way to the car and challenge you in a battle to the death for that last toy.  After all is said and done, the Heathens come out on top.
 
- Everyone takes time off during the holidays.  Suckers.  The rest of us enjoy the reduced traffic, the quiet workplaces and the half work-days filled with Facebook Scrabble.
 
- Overall, the holidays are filled with joy.  Sure, I may get mine from mocking the rest of you, but to each his/her own.  So go get yours and enjoy what is left of 2010.
 
Peace.
 
Don B-HED

You know you're a stalker when...

Over the past few weeks, we have seen a surge in stalker-related activities in and around the celebrity universe that is David Caruso. Shocked? Well, it seems as though being a stalker may be a little more… common amongst celebrity fans. Especially those die-hard, self proclaimed “biggest fans”. As Kathy Bates so adequately put it in Misery: “I’m your biggest fan”.

Sometimes, being a fan takes over our lives. Some of us even lose ourselves; often blurring the clear line between fantasy and reality. Need help? No worries, B-HED is here to help. So come children, nestle to B-HED’s teet as he sheds some light on whether or not you may be a stalker.

13 Reasons Why You May Be A Stalker:

1. If you make it a habit of befriending people based on how you can manipulate them/their posts/comments to make everyone other than you look ‘oddly aggressive’… You may be a stalker.

2. If it thrills you that your celebrity crush has actually signed the restraining order against you, and consider it as a free autograph… You may be a stalker.

3. If you convince your husband/wife to be your stalker-buddy so that he/she can come and hold the camera while you hide in the bushes in front of your celebrity crush’s home…. You may be a stalker.

4. If you realize the roast you need to prepare for dinner is in the freezer of your celebrity crush’s home. Logically, you need to retrieve it, right? Yeah…. You may be a stalker.

5. If your stalker-like actions creep out nearly all your online friends and they abandon you in DROVES, yet you are comforted by the belief that they are just jealous… you may be a stalker.

6. If you 'accidentally' purchase aerial footage of your celebrity crush’s home, and JUST HAPPEN to have a blue print of the attic… you may be a stalker.

7. If you are convinced your actions are innocent, despite your pleasure in creating fear and anxiety in your victim, I mean celebrity crush… you may be a stalker.

8. If you take tons of pictures upon meeting your celebrity crush, only to withhold them from other fans… well, you're just mean.

9. If you stop being intimate with your spouse because you feel like you’re cheating on your celebrity crush… you may be a stalker.

10. If you have done any or all of the following:
• browse websites for months to find your celebrity crush’s home address
• travel around the world to go to their house (twice)
• wait for hours to confront them to get a picture and are surprised when they don’t invite you inside for dinner and drinks
    …. you may be a stalker

11. If you are a contributing author in National Stalkers Weekly magazine… You may be a stalker

12. If you spend thousands of dollars to fly across the world, TWICE, to meet your celebrity crush, only to be shocked they are not interested in running away with you… You may be a stalker.

13. If your celebrity crush is so disgusted and unimpressed by your actions that he/she stops networking with ALL fans…. DUDE! YOU ARE A STALKER. 

Thank you and good night! 

Top 10 Reasons B-HED's life is better than yours

10)    His hair may be as stiff as Jersey Shores’ Pauly D, but B-HED is far less annoying.  Plus, he is one of the few Americans left that hasn’t slept with Snookie.

9)    He single-handedly disarmed a dozen armed gunmen. Nah, he didn’t… but you’d believe it if he did, wouldn’t you?

8)    His travels are renowned and people are interested in seeing the world from his perspective. The rest of us travel the world and people are interested in seeing the inside of our wallet.

7)    The reception on the iPhone 4 doesn’t degrade when he uses it. It knows better.

6)    He can set up shop in the women’s bathroom and no one finds it odd.

5)    His life and exploits are so interesting that he has people writing about other people, writing about him, based on another person.  Sick.

4)    He can be found on the set of CSI Miami. And for the low low price of $6,500, so can you!

3)    His tweets are funnier, and more original than half the stuff that happens in most people’s entire year.

2)    He has fans from 75 countries.  Most of us don’t even have fans from our own country… unless our mothers count.

1)    His job is to look like David Caruso. ‘nough said. That is one lucky bastard.

The Low Down on iPhone 4

Here we are again, on the verge of a new Apple release... iPhone 4 is available for pre-order!  AT&T is reporting an estimated 600K iPhones ordered on the first day… a record obviously, its Apple releasing something that starts with the letter “i”. But beyond being a record, its close to 10 times higher than anticipated.  What makes this version such a super-fantastic-must-have-device?

 

Here are some cool new features of the iPhone 4, and how it’ll change your life:

Face Time
This is basically a webcam in each phone that allows you to video chat with people in your contact list – just other iPhones to start - but whatever.  OR (and I know this is a crazy from the future type idea), do something completely unheard of since 2006 and actually GO VISIT the person.  Did I just blow your mind?  I’ll give you a minute while you get up off the floor. However, this feature will change the whole ‘lying to your parents/spouse on the phone’ scenario: What if the Missus insists you turn on video when you tell her you’re ‘working late again?’ Yeah. Lying’s gonna have to get all Level 80 now.
 

Multitasking
Finally, men can ‘try’ to be on the same playing field as women and multitask.  iPhone 4 allows the user to activate multiple apps at the same time - without sacrificing battery life or performance. That’s referring to the device’s performance of course… not USER performance. In the real world, multitasking actually means “simultaneously doing several things poorly” including DRIVING.

HD video recording
Not only does this phone replace your old phone, camera, storage media etc., it now gives your video recorder a fresh challenge.  I’ve heard that life is better in HD.  Ask one of the guys filming his special movies if he cares whether it’s in HD or HQ. My guess is that he doesn’t, but his significant other might - flaws are ‘clearer’ in HD.

Sticker shock anyone? You can pick up an iPhone 4 for the low low price of only a gazillion dollars (well, it feels that way).  Without a plan, the iPhone retails at $599 for the 16GB and $699 for the 32GB.  Does it come with butler service? Or free personal massager app? Or how about just dipping sauce for goodness sake? 
 

I may be old fashioned… or stubborn. Call me what you will,  But I am - and always will be - a RIM fan. Sure, if I were 16 I would have a different opinion, but that doesn’t make it the better choice. Give me a Blackberry Bold for reliability, intuitiveness and practicality any day of the week.

Plus, touch screens make babies cry.

Dina OUT.

Top 9 reasons B-HED Loves World Cup Soccer

Welcome to World Cup 19 ladies & gentlemen... who is your pick to take home the phallic, yet coveted trophy?  B-HED not only follows the series, he is emotionally invested in the outcome.
 
Top 9 reasons why B-HED Loves world Cup Soccer (there are 9, as that’s a typically lucky number for players):
 
9.  Unification.  Global scale sports unite people nationally... and gives them the freedom to be angry with people from other countries, for no reason at all.  Precious.
 
8.  Profitability.  It's only once every four years that we can see the sales of mini-car-window-flag stocks take off.  Buy low kids, sell high.
 
7.  Slackers rejoice.  World Cup games in North America air between 7:30am EST and 2:30 EST when most of us slaves to the 9-5 are working.  All of a sudden, no one cares if we watch t.v. All day long.  At work.

6.  Emotional freedom.  Men can finally let loose and cry.  Sure, that's normal.  Your dog dies, your house burns down and your wife leaves you and you stand strong.  But when Ronaldo scored that goal, you weep like a little girl!
 
5.  Acrobatic feats.   It's rare to see such macho men gloriously leap through the air, in the event that another player comes within 1 ft of them.  Where's that yellow card?
 
4.  Open displays of affection.  Most men feel uncomfortable groping other men (not that there’s anything wrong with that).  World Cup soccer is one of the only forums where head holding, hugging and face caressing are not only permitted, they are encouraged.  Play on boys.
 

3. Lessons in sharing.  Most players exchange shirts after the game.  Can you just see it being played out?  "Wow, that was a full 90 min game.  That other player did really well & worked up quite a sweat.  Maybe I should ask to take his shirt home...No, it's ok.  No need to wash it.  I'll take it right off your back."
 
2.  Facebook updates.  What did people talk about before the tournament?  World cup brings people together!  It helps them argue with each other in groups, as opposed to on an individual basis.
 
1. Cheaters & pumpkin eaters.  It's quite refreshing to see professional athletes win at all costs. I thought that was just me.
 
PEACE

Dina Out
(Forza Azzurri)

Blue Jays Vs Spankees... I mean Yankees

Up here in the wilds of Toronto, we love our summertime baseball, and what better way to enjoy a Blue Jay game than against the visiting New York Yankees? Staying true to form, Bobble Head DC was a giant HIT – that’s right, I just went there – on Friday night when the ridiculously overpaid Bronxies were in town. Prior to the game, we ventured into St Louis' Bar & Grill for a pre-game warm up.  We laughed, we ate, aaaand we realized we missed 4 innings.  Oops.  B-HED made more friends during that time than most of us make in high school. Ladies – he’s TAKEN, back that reowr right UP! 

Strategically seated behind the bullpen, B-HED reveled in his plan to become the main distraction in the Jays blow out over the Richy McRich Yanks.  Could you concentrate with that white, pasty, eerily-crazily hot face staring at you?

Unfortunately, they were immune to his death stare and our attempt to distract the players failed miserably.  


Somehow they have achieved ninja-like abilities to block out annoying disturbances.  How very professional. Didn't help the bats though, did it boys? 

The Jays stomped the Yanks 6-1, and took the weekend series 2 to 1. WOOOOOT!!! Sadly, the hooting and hollering only succeeding in distracting the fans seated within a 15 row range of us.

Again, sorry to anyone seated in section 138… But CONGRATS to the kid who got that Jose Bautista homer ball in the fourth inning!  

Dina Out

Spotlight on Billy Florio

In dealing with David Caruso's entourage, we have been fortunate enough to have had some interaction with his long time friend Bill Florio.  Let's put the spotlight on Billy Flowers... 

Five things we love about Bill Florio:

5.  Ambiguity.  We don't (or didn't) know what he looked like... and still love him anyway.  Quite a stretch for some of us... more superficial people. Ahem.

4.  Sunny disposition.  Always happy, all the time.  I would be too if I were talking to me. Just saying....

3.  Consistency.  He doesn't play favourites. One can only assume that he thinks we are all slightly off.

2.  Compassion.  He treats our unusual and somewhat alarming obsessions of our favourite ginger star as 'understandable'.  

1.  Fantastic sense of humour.  He once remarked that he sometimes likes to tease his crock pot by letting it watch as he cooked the same food at a faster pace on his stove... PRICELESS.

Oddly enough, the above features only lead us to one conclusion:  either Bill is genuinely kind and the SECOND funniest person on Facebook (ahem)... OR he's a chick. 

You decide.

Dina out.

xx